Changes

Life seems to be a continuous struggle with extraneous changes around almost every bend. For some of us at times the twist and turns can be so extreme that we think that we can no longer bear the pain or discomfort of living life any longer. Many fall into despair, suffer depression and end their own existence while others of us continue to trudge forward, vowing to overcome and be victorious in this game called life.
Over the past ten years I personally have endured some painful changes in my life, some of which were a little too extreme. Challenges which I had to face head on, while putting on an invisible coat of armor so that I could be just as vicious and brutal as the ordeal itself. Looking back now I realize that in dealing with things I did the best that I could so that I could move on.
I’ve had what I consider many great life lessons, but if I have to choose one as the greatest, it would be the story of picking myself up from having fallen flat on my face and being able to stand tall while facing adversity. During this time with some coaching from a dear friend, I was able to overcome depression, misery and the vicious cycle of harmful relationships that I had been in many times throughout my life. Facing the truth that my situation had been created by my own choices which were led mainly by stupidity & stubbornness, I went to work on myself. Step 1 was to learn acceptance, accept the events which were way beyond my control, realize that I could do nothing to change things.
I was now faced with a reality check, brought to the point of really learning how let go of harmful relationships and to stop cycling in the same destructive behaviors that had brought me here. All being a very difficult task after many years of repeated stressed out situations, but I was determined. One thing that I never lacked was determination; I just had to wake it up. Reviewing of my life I could clearly see what I had refused to or ignored to see back then. This was my major wake-up call as I began to evaluate the consequences of each one of my choices in the past, and It was obvious that I was still behaving in the same manner. This awakening was long overdue and I suddenly realized that it was entirely up to me to put a stop to this and make changes for the better. Stressed out, feeling angry and overwhelmed I sought out a quiet place to just think things over, I began to take walks every day. Walking became both beneficial for my health and my peace of mind, as I thought heavily on my life and what I needed to do to change things.
An unexpected event brought a long-lost family member into my life who also became someone who I began to confide in. At the time I felt cut off from friends and family, like no one really cared about me and this was due to the frame of mind that I was in. This person helped me with the hard task of finding myself again. It seemed as though I was so lost but as I found out, I wasn’t I was still there just hiding from the world of suffering that I had locked myself into. It helped talking to someone about what I had been going through since the day that I had lost my son.
For the longest time I had been living with the guilt of losing of my son, I blamed myself as if there was anything that I could have done differently. It was a horrible accident this I had to learn to accept, plus the fact that things happen sometimes which are beyond our control. We never know which day will be our last. I had to learn to forgive myself which helped me to forgive others; this brought with it a feeling of freedom and achievement. Spending much-needed time to myself  I reconnected with me, I came to the conclusion that I had to overhaul my entire way of thinking to get back to the person that was tucked away deep inside of me – hidden from the painful view of life. After many conflicts and struggles, I began to emerge little by little and more and more every day. I now see myself clearly without the negative influences that had surrounded me for the longest time. I have learned that I do not need to be in a hurry to be in a relationship because this it seems is what has been the cause of most of my poor decisions in the past. I have also learned that I cannot help everyone, and sometimes you have to walk away especially when your own life & sense of you is being destroyed little by little. I learned in my own way to accept the past as the past without denying it or discarding it.

These days my dear friend and I no longer talk, we went our separate ways the day our path turned into a fork in the road. We stopped looked at each other and with tears in our eyes we hugged each other saying our goodbyes, who would’ve known the only three years after we met that we would end up as strangers once again.

Until we meet again my friend…..Adios

© 2013 Diana Householder

 

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