Soul Searching

Through challenges, adversity, adventure, and misadventures I faced my past. In my personal quest to find Love and ultimately to find myself I had to face the hardest challenge if all, me. This took me on a journey of self discovery back to a place that I’d thought had long been put to rest and forgotten. I have no regrets nor resentments due to the past only admiration for the woman that I have become. Strong, resilient, caring, trusting and forgiving. Never really knowing until now that I had it in me all along.

Child

Wipe your face
Fix your hair
Stand up straight girl
Quit crinkling your nose
Stop breathing so hard
Blow your nose
Man you look like your dad
Look at those clothes yuk
Oh and those shoes for heavens sake
Stupid, can’t you do anything right?
Stupid girl….smaackkk
Eat your food
Kids in Africa are starving
Your not getting up till you clean that plate.
Where did that huge bruise on your arm come from?
Suck in your gut and stand up straight!
Your getting fat.
Just look at those fat legs and that fat belly, Fat Ass!
Quit crying before I give you something to cry a about.
Shut your mouth!
Only speak when spoken to.
You didn’t draw that, you copied it from somewhere.

Never hearing the words I Love You.

Preteen
Get your sisters bottle.
Feed that baby.
Change that diaper.
I’ll teach you to forget, put that wet ass diaper on.
Take the babies with you to play.
No you can’t go play you have to watch your sisters.
What happened to your arm?
Your fat, your ugly.
UGLY!
No you can’t have that!
Go upstairs and watch your sisters.
Get up and take care of those babies.
Those jeans are too expensive!
Your too fat for ice-cream.
Quit eating and you won’t need new clothes fatty.
What’s wrong with your leg?
Eat what’s on your plate.
No television for you.

No Hugs. No Love.

Teen

Why do you sit in your room?
What’s wrong with you?
Take your sisters with you.
No you can’t participate in that,
You have your sisters.
No you can’t spend the night over there.
The only way to clean the floor is on your hands and knees.
No you can’t have that puppy take this one instead.
Where did you get that fat lip from?
Keep that dog chained.
No we can’t afford those jeans Diana.
Can’t you put on something nice?
Get a job.
Take your sisters with you.
You’re grounded from the phone.
Your friends can’t come over.
Oh your report card, that’s nice.
Well you didn’t graduate so you don’t get to go overseas with us.
Take care of this for me.
Can you take your sisters?
Well you have to work.

I found that in the end, on this journey to find myself I had to go back, way back to the past to come to terms with myself.
A reckoning that only I could initiate, deal with and overcome.
The road has been long with many struggles, yet here I am still standing courageously and still searching for that elusive thing called love.

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