What You Didn’t Know

 “When they first met she wasn’t prepared for the intensity of what would pursue.  So intertwined were their energies that neither knew where one began and the other ended. This the dilemma.”
Someone she knew once said "people can't bullshit me, 
I know their deepest desires, their
innermost fears, her only reply was that "you can't fool a 
feeler,"~ touché mon amour.

A breeze caresses her cheek like a gentle lovers touch. Tilting her head to gaze at the starlit night sky, she takes in the scent as the wind whispers of sweet change.

What you didn’t know when it was said that ” you’re just a woman” is that she is in fact is no ordinary woman.

What you didn’t know is that she sensed everything about you even though she never told you the truth. She remained silent about what she knew right from the start. Sensitives typically recognize one another easily and she’d come to the realization that there’s nothing more exciting than meeting a kindred spirit. Very few elude her highly attuned empathic radar, which denies all the ability to escape detection. Her energy so intense and so exciting that many are drawn to her.

What you didn’t know is that just four years earlier she had taken the first steps to get out from a horrible dilemma that she’d been in. In her pain and anguish she’d taken a detour which had led her down the highway to Hell, straight to the gates of Hell as a matter of fact before coming to a screeching halt and this is when she turned herself around. An uphill battle, a fight to get back on the path to find herself she was indeed headed on a journey of faith and healing. Traveling inward she began with self-acceptance. Acceptance of who she was, what she’d been through and where she’d come from. She’d found a sad and wretched little creature was all that remained. There were only remnants, fragments left of she who had once been a brilliant, optimistic, shining, humble and beautiful woman. This you couldn’t have known.The truly amazing story of her journey to hell and back. Given the gifts of resilience and strength in healing, she was able to overcome any and all obstacle that lay in her path. She’d climb that mountain to get to where she needed to be, she’d felt the calling.

Enter the gates of Hell
"No matter how long we travel in the wrong direction we can
 always turn around."

What you didn’t know is that life hadn’t been very kind to this woman, harsh more often then not. She never pretended that bad things didn’t happen to good people because she knew the truth first hand. She’d come to realize that she could do this, she has what it takes and so do you. To bounce back from lessons which quite frankly beat her badly along the way leaving a battered, torn & scarred heart in its wake. Amazingly enough she found the inner strength to keep going, pushing, moving forward. This inner pull that she’d been feeling was a call, a tug on her heart, a smell in the air which she’d always called the “knowing” and this is what she carried in her heart and what urged her forward, pulling on her and tugging on her very soul. The silent call which spoke to her heart of someone out there, someone needed her. 


What you didn’t know is that she’d struggled with a lack of understanding about herself for a very long time, most of her life as a matter of fact. She didn’t know for who or for what or even what she had to offer as she’s just an average woman from average small town America with an average life and an average family who lived, or so she thought the average American life. This was all that she had ever asked for or wanted in life, contentment, peace, love and happiness.

What you didn’t know is that there were times that she’d felt so helpless, beaten, bruised, heartbroken, alone and when that wasn’t enough her heart suffered it’s ultimate loss and it was as if it was being ripped out of her chest with the death of her only son. NUMB & LOST, she was ready to take the plunge into the unknown, spiraling down in deep despair leaving, destination unknown. This is when she began contemplating death and dying as she went into hiding from the world and those who loved and needed her the most. She cried and screamed in rage as tears cascaded down her face, screaming  “FUCK YOU” &  “I HATE YOU” to the world  and anyone who dared to upset her. She ranted at god asking why again and again and again. Nearing a breaking point she felt like she had finally fallen flat on her face and didn’t want to get up. She’d visualized herself just laying there curled up in a ball heedless to the world around her,actually not giving a shit,  as she wished that death would come. What she’d desperately needed was a loving heart to hold her tenderly to sooth her aching heart, truly love her sweetly and whisper that everything will be okay. For the first time in her life she wasn’t able to get her needs met, she wasn’t so strong nor resilient, she was desperately out of balance. She carried on because life doesn’t stop or the world doesn’t stop spinning just because you lose someone that you love, I believe the term is “Life goes on.”55814_10150094534153179_6998194_o

What you didn’t know is that she continued on in her brokenness, hurting beyond anything that she’d ever felt before, she did have other children who needed her so she carried on suffering quietly inside. The daily verbal and sometimes physical assaults from an alcoholic husband who she chose to stay with were as if she was punishing herself.  Creating her own suffering and this only because she continued to stay, and giving up her own power, beating herself up through him. Self torture. This, the worst of her.

What you didn’t know is that three years and eight months after her tragic loss she began a new journey sparked by a decision to wake up and stop allowing her own suffering at the hands of another. She’d been there so long because she chose to stay but now the time had come to take a stand and this is when she left. She had decided to take her life back into her own hands. The beginning of the end, an end which changed her tremendously ~ the wheel of fortune had had taken a spin and stopped  at her door on that fateful day. She began the quest in search of herself where had she hidden that sweet loving soul who’d always cared for, loved and appreciated all things around her especially Life. She began to look for the key to her heart.

What you didn’t know is that in a short amount of time she began to heal. Happiness returned slowly and as the days went by her time was filled with new-found adventures and people. This was a time of learning and healing with as many happy times as there were disappointing times. She was able to find out the hard way that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Struggling within herself for the life that she’d had left behind, the job, the things she’d acquired through hard work, as realization set in that she had given everything up and was dirt poor. She’s always been able to take care of herself and never really had to rely on others, so this was a strange experience.  Feeling pretty out of sorts at the time and she worried constantly about age, feeling lonely, finances and the future. Being single for the first time in her life since 1981 was terrifying.  With every act of kindness she found hope in people again. Graced with extraordinary mentors she learned some very valuable lessons. With every twist and turn down that curvy mountain highway she’s been challenged by obstacles which at times seemed like boulders blocking the roadway, blocking her from her heart desires the most…LOVE. Looking back on her life she now realizes that it took a tremendous amount of courage to be her.

What you didn’t know two years before meeting you, she acknowledged the call to serve a higher purpose and found that the gift of healing once she accepted and embraced it is priceless. First things first though, she had to begin with self first because truthfully we can’t help others unless we heal ourselves first.  Acceptance of the brokenness took an extraordinary amount of courage that most people do not have.

Through connecting with her higher self information flooded through in dreams and in many other ways. In her family tree she found runs the gift of healing a natural ability which she’d been blessed with this as well. Happily and without trepidation she embraced this gift. Native American ancestry runs deep through her soul, she became intrigued by and guided towards shamanism & Reiki. Upon finding Reiki healing she started to study intensely absorbing as much as possible about Reiki, Shamanism and the chakras. She found herself extremely adept at sensing the Chakras resonating well with Crystals and the gift of healing that they impart. Sensing the chakras of others came easily for her almost like second nature. Often enough she noticed that she could sense what is going on with someone without the slightest intention to know and without focusing on anyone at all. Someones thoughts of her catch her attention which fills her with intrigue but has also sparked deep desires suddenly lighting that inner flame. On the flip side this ability gives insight on physical and emotional pain of people as well. literally feeling the physical pain or the deepest emotional wounds which beckon for a healing and or clearing when she’s been called to help. All very new and at times overwhelming she continued forward learning the lessons as they arrived.

What you didn’t know is that this calling she’d been feeling isn’t like a phone call or an actual communication. For this woman it’s being catapulted into a life, possibly yours, a new situation which happens for some very suddenly, I am a catalyst for change. The unknown allure and temptation known to her as he call of the wild.

Moonlight splashed down it's silver-white glow 
as I beckoned the universe for my hearts desire.
A true Love.

What you didn’t know is that she always just knows the truth yet chose’s to ignore her senses. Guilty of seeing only the good in people, her weakness so to speak. For almost two years she’d been sensing an inexplicable call to the south and couldn’t figure out why so she let it be. Continuing on moving forward her focus, healing as it is one of her greatest wishes to heal the world one soul at a time. Trying not to get distracted by thoughts of love and being truly loved which was what her heart craved, a gnawing ache like a hunger that won’t subside. Her heart pleaded desperately to sing with joy once again.

What you didn’t know is that she was sensing your chakra’s the healthy or unhealthy fears, your physical vitality,your deepest desires, sexual energy, expression or lack of expression, every time  you held back on what you needed to say, guilt, blame, arrogance, pride, your anger and of course how loving your heart truly is. Higher vibrational beings whether earthly or in spirit vibrate at a different rate and typically are felt at the heart center, the heart chakra. All forms of negativity, negative people, and negative spirits are felt also when encountered. This is a distinct feeling in the solar plexus chakra and the vibration is agitating. The higher the negativity the more irritating and uncomfortable it is, the same with anger or power struggles. This has all been a lot to cope with but she learned acceptance only become better adept,stronger and a more loving person.  When she absorbs she must also release other wise she can become ill or an emotional wreck. The release comes in a few different forms but most often it will be a sudden crying episode, brought on by nothing at all.  She was suddenly drawn to crystals and their healing properties. With guidance from the divine, great mentors and Reiki she found the crystals needed for each healing necessary. Like a child with a new toy she was enthralled. The instant she started working with the first crystal  she knew that at her disposal was a powerful tool to utilize but I didn’t yet know the extent of their full power. The crystals immediately went to work began to help her heal.

On that fateful day that we met I had no idea what I would be getting 
myself into. I never imagined that my soul would seek 
his out and fight to stay connected. Like magnets our souls are.
That day, that moment when my soul latched on to his will forever be branded in the 
deepest part of me.

What you did know was that she curious about you and the longer the conversations the more intrigued she became. The first time that she became aware of their energies mingling she had just closed her eyes and could see a clear image of her own face. It was like she was standing face to face with herself. She was now able to see what you were seeing clairvoyantly and this only created more intrigue within her. In what seemed like an instant she was drawn to you and now distinctly remembers the warning thoughts which were instantly brushed aside. Intuition sent red flag warnings an urgent message to not mess with this one, her thoughts  would counter with he’s just a friend. Her soul was excited and it felt like she was on an intense high as her spirit was uplifted in spending time with a new friend. A broken heart was on the mend glowing warmly and affectionately again. A childlike discovery as to why the South had been so alluring and enticing. Her heart felt whole once again.

Temptation brought with it a price.

When I heard him say "Not in this lifetime," I felt my heart 
begin to shrivel once again.

Heartbreak Inevitable In the End

What you didn’t know is that deep down inside she knew the end was coming but she still tried to save the friendship, she’d desperately told you in vain that ” I’m not willing to lose our friendship” but can clearly see now why it couldn’t be. Admitting that she was afraid but wouldn’t let fears grip take a maddening hold. This too shall pass became the mantra as she clutched on to hope keeping the faith that one day love and happiness would be hers, someday. Although they are no longer connected in this physical world by phones or social media the connection is so deep that she still feels your presence. Mere thoughts of her are bought to her attention instantaneously as if you are here with her even though you are hundreds of miles away. It’s like you are here but but not really here.

What you didn’t know is that she can feel you all of the time because you my dear friend have a distinct energy with an intense vibration which is easily picked up on. She knows when you are here even though you try to be inconspicuous. She can feel everything and everyone who is closest to you in your energy. Vibrating at a higher frequency than most but through this energy and chakra sensing she knows your deepest desires, those fears you try to hide as well as the truth that you fail to speak. she knows your heart because her soul knows your soul.

She didn’t know where they was being led but instinctively followed her souls desire with sweet excitement. She realized the truth too late, because in the end so intertwined were their energies that neither knew where one began and the other ended. This the dilemma.

Sadly though she’s come to terms with why you so suddenly entered her life and what she was to learn from you, which is something that she now proudly smiles about in accomplishment. A crooked little grin sneaks on her face as thoughts of those long ago stolen moments crept in, letting a little sigh escape as she holds back on something she truly wishes to say about the man who magically mended her heart and broke it all at the same time. She’d nicknamed him the magic man.  Flashing me with a disarming smile she changed the subject thus leaving me with a new perspective and hopes that she would someday find that love that she’s been searching for.

Before we parted she left me with this:

"The energy within a romantic relationship is so powerful that it has the potential to unlock the most vulnerable parts of ourselves that we normally keep secret within us; 
this is our inner child. Our partner, as our most intimate mirror has the natural 
ability to fracture and shatter the crystal wall of self-control, and of self-censure. Thus freeing that inner child which, in reality, is only asking to be recognized and loved." [excerpt from We are human angels]